Author Archive

January 10, 2013

Can I be a Mommy Blogger?

by bmiller445

I was just told “You really aren’t a good writer.” For second I thought about showing the person that told me this my earlier posts on this site, I am glad I read those again before I did. After hearing what may be considered fair but slightly worrisome criticism, as I work in Television and believe it or not we write that stuff, I went back and looked at what they were talking about I had to ask myself some questions. Was it horrible? No. Was it War and Peace? Is that a book? I’ve looked it up, yes it is. What was this whole thing about? Oh yeah, I’ve decided that I should write more, so I can go from somewhere better than horrible and closer to a book called War and Peace. (Not War and Piece as I Google searched it.) So here is the fun for everyone, I’ll post these musing to Facebook for my friends and family to tear up. You can read them and love them, and hate them, or love them, and then let me know what you think. This is a no holds barred invitation, this is not an invitation for a classy conversation. I must be broken before I can be rebuilt. If you are too nice to do this pretend that either A) Obama wrote it B)George Bush wrote it or C) joke payoffs usually go here. This will be a fun exercise so everyone join in and apparently there is some other stuff the guys write on this Blog that’s fun.

So this is the first one comment on my lack of punctuation, misspellings, poorly constructed sentences, and…list that go on too long without an ending. Nothing is off limits and I have the thickest skin you have seen.

November 30, 2010

Camera Man’s Creed

by bmiller445

This is my camera. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My camera is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. My camera, without me, is useless. Without my camera, I am useless. I must shoot my camera true. I will…

My camera and myself know that what counts in TV is not the amount of min. we shoot, or the camera we shoot with. We know that it is the shot that counts. We will get the shot…

My camera is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its lens. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and FedEx damage, I will white balance, check my audio, and We will NOT fix it in post. I will keep my camera clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will…

Before God, I swear this creed. My camera and myself are the shooters of cable TV. We are the entertainers of America. We are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is nothing left to shoot, but darkness!

September 13, 2010

An open letter of Resignation to the American People

by bmiller445

Resignation letter

It is with a heavy heart, a clear conscious, sand in my shoe, and of sound mind and body that I tender my resignation. While I admit no wrong doing I feel that it is in the interest of the American people and with the hope to allow Best Buy to heal that I step down.

In regards to Monster 1000 cable, I have come to terms with it. There is nothing wrong with charging a premium for a well made product constructed by tiny bloody hands, with minerals mined by exploited workers. As to the credit apps I had people fill out though I will have to answer to Jesus Christ himself. Each night before bed I pray for his mercy and as I lay there falling asleep I hope that our Lord is a consumer of high end electronics slightly outside the grasps of his earnings.

To Alex I leave the pair of sunglasses I think I left in the drawer back in home theater.

To Sean I leave my family mansion located in the hills of west Virginia, with the stipulation that he spend one night in it. It is possibly haunted or my uncle is squatting in it, either way good luck.

To Philip I leave my love and these words “I would look you in the eyes, and it would be ok.”

I will leave my badge and gun on your desk in two weeks.

With love,
Billy Miller Esquire

May 12, 2010

The Trifecta of Evil

by bmiller445

What keeps you awake at night? Are you worried about your children, dirty bombs, terrorist threat levels, fecal borne disease? You’re not alone, there are lots of people out there as irrational, ill-informed, and just as cowardly as your are. Some of us have real fears though. Fears made from things that have bubbled up from the depths of hell, some of us fear that that is the worst of man and beyond. Some of us aren’t vaginas. What is a man like me afraid of you ask…? (go ahead ask it, I need to hear you say it.) I fear the Trifecta of Evil.

The Trifecta of Evil is like if all evil in the known universe had a race where speed was evil these would be the winners of that race hands down. (Perhaps your thinking that that was a poorly made metaphor. Jokes on you asshole it was a poorly made simile.) Nazis place first hands down, they’re the evil leaders of evil. They have the ability to shape the minds and hearts of evil, they rolled a 20 in charisma. A distant second is Zombies, they’re evil and hell bent on death and destruction, but deep down they’re primal, a force of nature and can’t answer for their crimes. Then there are Aliens. These fellow denizens  of the universe aren’t inherently evil, but have the ability, just as we humans do, to create Nazis, but Nazis that have mastered intergalactic space travel, so that’s the shits.

At night I lay awake  wondering if I am prepared when any or, God forbid, all of these things happen. I imagine a world of chaos and pray that the good stand together hand in, brain protecting helmets on, ready to do what it takes to beat these things back. As I laid in bed just the other night with my eyes wide open and my body paralyzed in fear as the flames began to lick at my imagination (an imagination that probably makes brains only that much more tasty and tempting to zombies.) I had a terrible realization. I hadn’t even considered robots. I now where pajama pants to bed so I don’t directly crap onto the sheets.

-Billy

March 26, 2010

Check This

by bmiller445

I recently started working at a large electronic store on the weekend, we’ll call it Buy Best. If you have never worked in retail before I assure you that in four hours I stood there I saw America in all its splendor and unfortunately at its worst. I’m not talking about bratty kids, screaming parents, or people spending irresponsibly. If anything these are people I can relate to. I’m talking about the three assholes who thought it was ok to write me a check. If you haven’t written a check in a store in the last five years you are dismissed, I think one of the others wrote something about music or a video game or something, go read that. If you have though, sit down we need to talk.

Who the hell do you think you are? Maybe you didn’t notice me staring at you like you were a murderer because you were too busy scribbling illegibly on a crinkled, spearmint smelling, coffee stained piece of worthless parchment. You will never know how close you came to death as your wrote that check out, if you had taken any more time to write a memo to yourself I would have taken the pen out of your hand and stabbed you to death with it. And then do your remember that feeling on the back of your head? That was the customer behind you glaring at you so hard he was about to set your hair on fire. He was angry because of the painstaking investigation I had to preform in order to confirm that some bank somewhere would accept this worthless piece of paper you just handed me.

Do you know who writes checks? Jerks and people who know damn well they don’t have the money. Here’s what you need to do. Go to the bank and pull out your check book. Write the check the to “The 21st century” on the amount line write “one debit card” and in the memo section put “because I don’t want to be a jerk anymore”. Hand this to the teller, after they are done interrogating you, like the criminal your are, about all the information on your check they are going to give you a little plastic card. This is your ticket to join the rest of us in Club 21st Century. Come on in, but be sure to pay the cover charge at the door, and no they don’t take checks…actually they don’t take debit either so bring some cash.

Billy

February 12, 2010

1 Million Strong For Same-Sex Marriage Throughout The Entire United States

by bmiller445

I can already see the beads of sweat forming on John’s forehead as he signs onto the site this morning and sees the title of my post. Well, don’t worry John I’m not about to be insensitive. I am actually about to be so sensitive it’s gay.

The facebook group “1 Million Strong For Same-Sex Marriage Throughout The Entire United States”  has been growing in popularity extremely fast and I just wanted to comment on how I thought it was a sign of more accepting times in America. It may seem trivial that a facebook site can grow quickly, but you have to realize that the people joining are tomorrows leaders and voters, oppose to a myspace page where the members would be tomorrows meth addicts and strippers. (hehe suck it myspace)

I looked at this fan page and thought about all the positive change that would come from it one day, how equal rights would be spread to a new group of people. I swelled with pride as I realized that the documents my government was based on would be able to adapt to a changing society in an effort to be more accepting and inclusive, and then I found other fan pages that gave me the same sense of pride. (Really I just did a search for rights and this is the entertaining non preachy part of today’s post)

Zombie Rights: Zombies Want Brains Equal Rights

Zombie Rights!

This is a pretty decent cause. I know I give the brain eating undead a hard time, but I mean this one is wearing a suit and seem to have a different goal in mind than eating my brains. It does kinda concern me that he looks like he recycled an old sign that promoted brain eating, but if he can grow up and change maybe, just maybe I can too.

The Right to Arm Bears: First Hitler took the Bear’s guns, then he took Poland.

The Right To Arm Bears! It’s not only our 2nd amendment right it’s our responsibility. Let me tell you something about Armed Bears, they are all that stands between us and the government. That is a hairy, angry, teethy line protecting us and our individual freedoms and I thank God every morning I wake up that it’s there. You can take guns away from bears when you pry them from my cold dead hands. That’s right I am holding a Bear that is holding a loaded 1911A1 Nazi killing Colt .45.

While the second half of this post got a little strange the top half really is something I am glad to see happening. We all share this country, we all work together to make it a great place to live, and we all deserve the same rights and privileges as our fellow citizens. So, if you want to join “1 Million Strong For Same-Sex Marriage Throughout The Entire United States” you can go to this link and I put the link to the others pages up there as well because I think they are important too.

Billy

February 9, 2010

Weekend Job

by bmiller445

I am poor. Not eat cat food poor, but more eat a lot of hot dogs and macaroni poor. I remember my parents used to tell stories about how poor they were when they first got married and I though “glad I won’t be poor like that.” Well little Billy, turns out you were a dumb arrogant little shit. So here I am just married, trudging away at my career at the bottom of the ladder and considering applying for a weekend job at Best Buy. When I’m older I’ll say “Kids when your Mother and I got married I had to work a second job at Best Buy on the weekends.” I’ll then kiss their creepy red heads and hopefully not head off to my weekend Best Buy job.

I think this could be entertaining though. I’m getting this job to pay off my credit card and car so that one day I can have adult things, like a house and those creepy red headed children. Opposed  to adult things like a credit card bill and a car payment. So, this second job isn’t a necessity simply a means to more quickly reach an end. It will be a job with no pressure and I have envisioned several scenarios as to how that can play out. (I have now copied the word “scenario” so spell check doesn’t yell at me every time I write it.)

Scenario 1: Zombie Attack

I always make sure I factor this scenario in first to every new situation I am presented with, it’s not if it’s going to happen, it’s when. I think Best Buy would be a pretty solid place to hold up. Sure there is the glass store front, but that usually stops zombies well enough, but allows the more selfless and courageous of the group to drive the bus through that will get you to the docks. Also there is plenty of entertainment so long as we have power and I imagine that would hold out for a few days, maybe a week and after it goes out I’ll turn to Marty the Martyr and send him out to get the bus. I think shotguns are standard issue for the Geek Squad guys too.

Scenario 2: The Deliverer of Knowledge

I’ll tell the employees what boobs feel like (jello eggs, remember those?)and become their king. They lift me up on high for granting them this knowledge more precious than that of fire. They will callme Billymetheus, write epic poems about me, and build temples in my reverence out of DVDs and Xboxes. Unfortunately this scenario ends with me being bound to a ping pong table forced to do power hours to bad 80s music and destroy my liver, only for it to soften at the beginning of the next hour and when ritual starts again.

Scenario 3: Hard Work and a Friendly attitude

I haven’t really thought this one through a lot as I figure the first two are much more likely.

Well maybe I’ll get the job and my post will stop being only vaguely related to technology and will actually be related to technology, I’ll truly earn the top billing that John randomly gave me when he created this site. I’ll write about things like microwaves, TVs, and cell thingies. I’ll have list and reviews comparing all these, and not microwaves to microwaves like John and the others do, but really to each other. You’ll finally get to compare microwave and cell thingies side by side and make an informed decision as to which you should purchase. (Spoiler: it depends what you want to do microwaves for cooking, cells for sexting.)

Billy

February 3, 2010

For real time

by bmiller445

Last Night I was in For-Real-Time watching LOST. I sat in front of my television with no buffer built up on the TIVO and as things would happen before the commercial break I would look at my wife and say “For Real?”. We haven’t watched real time TV for any lengthy period of time in almost 3 years and it was great. We talk about the show during commercials, ran to the bathroom to get back before the show started, and watched live as the world of LOST confused us for 3 straight hours. This is how Television should be. (sometimes) It was great to be so into a story I didn’t want to step away from it and the added bonus of hearing my TIVO gong at me as I impatiently tried to fast forward only made the moment that much more exciting. It was a flashback to a simpler time ruined by terrorist and reality TV, but I repeat myself. I have decided that lost will be watched in real time come hell or high water. It is 1998 again and I will rush home from whatever I am doing watch a TV show. I can only think of a few scenarios that may prevent me from getting home on time:

Death
Loss of my legs
I’m in the middle of brain surgery (getting or performing)
Death in the family (only my own)
Zombie, Nazi, or alien invasion
Becoming trapped on a mystical island (that one would be a push)

This is a pledge to watch TV in its most pure form, with commercials telling me what to buy, pee breaks with no time for poo, and conversation with other people in the room. People will sing songs about this one day.

Billy

January 27, 2010

Have you seen my remote?

by bmiller445

I’ve lost my remote. It’s the Tivo one, not the TV one. No, the TV remote  hasn’t been seen for years. I don’t care where it is. There are buttons on the TV. I can still tell it what to do, but the TIVO has no master now. It records as it pleases only to tease me with the knowledge that I can’t watch what it knows I would like.

Maybe you’ve seen it. Let me describe it to you:
It’s all that is pure and right with the world, it’s curves remind me of a woman I never knew. She walks in my dreams just out of sight. I’ve only seen her shadow and smelled her sweet perfume of fresh batteries. Sometimes as I lay in bed at night I hear her call to me. Binka…Binka…Binka…Gonk. It also has some buttons and the back falls off a lot.

I’ve looked everywhere, the couch, the microwave, freezer and fridge, the bedroom, bathroom, cabinets, kitty box, and car. It’s no where to be found.

TMZ is on, at first I considered turning off the television, but instead I now sit in a dark room filled with static and my irrational thoughts.

I am beginning to suspect my wife. She’s always been jealous of TIVO remote. Always asking why I always get it. Well I DON’T HAVE IT NOW DO I? HAPPY? HAPPY? No, this is wrong. Anna would never take something I love like that away from me, these are the words of  madmen. (I should Tivo that show)

I now consider something much worse as I sit here. I have looked in every conceivable place. I’ve searched my own body in ways I can never speak of and yet I find nothing. I believe that it may never have existed. As I sit and think about it now it seems too perfect. All it could control, the way it made me feel. These things can’t exist so perfectly in a world I know to be imperfect. It’s function and form is simply the imaginations of a madman forced to watch TMZ and Judge Judy and dream of world where this is not his fate. GOD TAKE ME NOW.

Billy

January 20, 2010

Why read? And especially why read this site?

by bmiller445

Reading is hard. You have to read and stuff and that can be tiring.So I thought I would help everyone back into the blog by giving some tips on how I do it.

Most of the time I enjoy reading from left to right. This is usually the best way to go about reading directionally speaking, though I have heard of other countries that do it other ways and I do mean heard. I’ve never read that, left to right, or otherwise. I also only do my reading in places where I can’t be watching TV like:

The bathroom
The library
Work
In Post Apocalyptic settings

This way I know I couldn’t have been spending my time on something I enjoy more.

Also I enjoy “reading between the lines” and making broad inferences. Take these lines from Wikipedia for instance:

In particle language, the constant Higgs field is a superfluid of charged particles, and a charged superfluid is a superconductor. Inside a superconductor, the gauge electric and magnetic fields both become short-ranged, or massive.

In my head this is nothing but a poorly veiled reference to sex. Whatever scientist (random guy) put this statement together obviously meant for us to get a little more out of that than can be seen at first glance. I know this because I scanned the sentences quickly without any comprehension, but saw the words superfluid and massive.

So that is how to read, but why should you read this site?

Well, what else are you going to do at work? Don’t say work, because that makes you a liar and Jesus cries. So if you can’t be playing games, watching TV, or messing with gadgets then you should be reading about those things so you can be ready to do them when you get home.

But why not read another, better site?

That is just a rude question and I don’t appreciate my asking it. Plus, those other sites give you herpes. Already have herpes? This site can cure it*.

So, new reader, read on just as I have taught you. And learn, learn about the things you love. (none of which being reading) To get you started I’ll write a couple of line below that you can practice reading between the lines.

Sister Mary Catherine checked to make sure the safety on her gun was off. She had cleaned it the night before, making sure every piece was oiled and ready. She wasn’t going to get burned again by a jammed 45. As bombay doors opened she imagined herself soaring across the sky raining fire from above, if only. From here out it was in God’s hands.

Billy

*This site cannot cure herpes.

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